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[17 Jan 2011|10:00pm] |
i need to tap into my soul and start writing again. i nearly forgot how much it means to me
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[17 Jan 2011|09:48pm] |
i am completely blinded by love. i have two kittens and an amazing boyfriend named Brad. the rain made us fall in love. now we are city folk and college kids and bike to bars and for lunch and really just live our lives to the fullest. i make $28,000 a year plus benefits working in a library for a branch of a community college and it is really teaching me a lot about what kind of job environment that i want for my future. i want to start videoblogging everything. once i get my video camera when i get my taxes back this year, i'll post a link to my vimeo.
my dad had brain cancer and a tumor in the front of his head and i'm afraid that this might be hereditary. i have a pituitary tumor right now but it is benign. it has still been tough to deal with/ruining my life at times.
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[09 Mar 2010|12:43pm] |
in some cases, you are more like an animal trying to knaw your limb off.
you want to escape from that trap. you only want that.
you accept the sacrifice.
you forget about ice cream cones and porches for a second.
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[13 Jan 2010|11:19am] |
changing directions. excited for MY future. no alcohol. no more taking things for granted. taking responsibility for myself. i can't believe i almost lost who i was, or that it took falling in love and losing their respect for me to really get back on track. i'm so sorry to all my friends, family, and especially Brad for the pain and hurt i have caused you through my negative actions. everyone has problems. it's inevitable. how you deal with them is what matters. i just ignored everything until it got to the point where I feel like I have 2 choices: give up or re-do everything
i do not give up, i am stronger than that. i will not be withheld by my insecurities. i am who i am. i don't care if you like me or not. i love myself and i'm a great girl and if you don't realize that, then you're the one with problems and no, i don't want to party with you. unless you just wanna dance and love life. i will do productive things with you, though. i literally can't drink anymore even lightly apparently without freaking out and having no control or memory of what i do. it's just not my thang, baby. i won't even drink if you beg me to. so try it. you will fail. i'm not embarrassed of this, only what it has caused.
after i moved back home, everything got really easy for me. i was scared after i got my tumor because i realized how precious life was and how lucky i was and how much worse it could have been. i just wanted to seize the day when i got better. try everything i felt like i couldn't do before. i got everything handed to me and i could work my way around anybody to get what i wanted. easy isn't what i want, though. in order to be proud of myself and really appreciate everything that i have, i need to earn it.
i always felt like i should have taken more time to really do this after Josh and I broke up. He was my first boyfriend and we were together for 4 years and we had a horrible relationship by the end. I knew I had a lot of internal things I should have spent more time working on after that. Then I started hanging out with Brad, who is determined, optimistic, and just a really good guy. He is exactly what I want, literally the perfect guy for me and my freaky gemini antics. I just obviously can't make anyone else happy when I can't make myself happy.
i can't wait to show all of you, and most importantly, myself, the difference. my life would have been so much easier if i had all of these realizations/knowledge before. but this is a promise to everybody who is REALLY important to me, everybody who i love dearly, and myself.
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[21 Aug 2009|09:48pm] |
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These days I am scared to open myself up enough to feel anything real. I am crouching behind countertops. I used to never care how others perceived me. I want to revert to a time that never existed. I want to feel everything and nothing at the same time. I will open my heart up to him little by little. I will get hurt inevitably. "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." It is hard, but I must realize that evading openness delivers me a lesser quality of life. I must trust. I must be myself. in the meantime, I must stay grounded.
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[25 May 2009|02:52am] |
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I wasn't being a sustainable self. I thought I was communicating but I wasn't. I thought I was saying everything that needed to be said as I said close to nothing. I believed in poetry and mystery but I don't anymore. Minimalism is still beautiful but it doesn't do the work I need it to do. It is meek and sleepy, slipping in and out of consciousness. It's not enough. I thought life was the project of making your own story and sometimes participating in other peoples' stories but that's not it. It is everyone writing a story together. I don't want to be the character hiding under the covers.
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[03 Nov 2008|12:49pm] |
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well, open up your mind and see like me. i want to be in a different perspective, continually.
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[25 Oct 2008|09:39pm] |
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We are dynamic creatures. Fluid nobodies.
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[15 Oct 2008|07:13pm] |
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am I your wet nap?
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[14 Oct 2008|01:40pm] |
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rain is the best thing that has happened in the past week
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[11 Oct 2008|09:25am] |
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my eyes burn because I am so tired
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[07 Oct 2008|04:19pm] |
summer deteriorates
in the palm of my hand.
ringing in my ears,
lightning bolts in my throat,
i swallow them whole.
i am really trying
to create a lighter shade of red,
a content shade
with a hue of satisfaction.
trying
trying
dying
what a horrible place to die,
(in yourself!)
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[07 Oct 2008|04:10pm] |
moving
is different than running away
running away is hiding
escape from created badness.
ever think of
NOT COMING UP WITH ILLUSIONS?
(YOU MIGHT GET CONFUSED)
w
ith
real
ity
fix yourself here
in a dry place,
then split
to a place you
dream about
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[07 Oct 2008|04:06pm] |
once I
felt
very, very, very
empty inside
A lone lethargic
being:
a stranger
to even my own world.
I dipped my toes in the pond
and tapped my feet
to the tune of
unfamiliarity
I grew
(often accompanied
by open wounds
to my
internal
and external essence)
because I fell
and fell
and fell
but then learned
and grew; and grew
some more
I, my friend,
am (and always will be) still growing
and falling
and getting back up
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[06 Oct 2008|10:18pm] |
i'm leaving, but i don't know where to.
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[06 Oct 2008|08:31pm] |
My feelings hurt easily. Today I felt a dozen or so tears wandering down my cheek and I didn't feel particularly sad, just overwhelmed. Underwhelmed. I try not to sleep so much and especially not when I feel tragic. It makes me feel nothing. Nothing nothing nothing nothing and I hate that feeling. I want to feel the world, I want the world to feel me. All I choose to feel are unfamiliar, stories, monumental proverbial events. I want to lay with you and hold your hand and feel you breathe. I could talk to you forever and get lost in your words. Your eyes.
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